Saturday, January 19, 2013
and the heart crunching feeling of pain. He holds me; there is hope in His
eyes. He promises me to carry the pain for me. Yet, I still wrestle with Him to
keep the pain close to me. Instead of letting Him hold me through the painful
night, just so I can sleep.
It has been a long 6 months. Probably the longest I have ever lived. Just to think about all the things that have been going on in my head, my body hurts. It was only my pain and myself, I felt so lonely…yet I was not alone. Nobody understood how my heart was feeling, how I would cry myself to sleep for so many nights. I shut down completely, my body was there but my mind was somewhere else. I didn’t want to go out, or be involved in any kind of activity. There was someone who understood, but I thought He did not care. Every single time I cried, He would cry with me, He felt my pain and He wanted to make it better for me. He wouldn’t do something for me unless I gave Him my heart completely and let Him change me. I knew all of this and I still wanted to keep my pain because it reminded me that the past was real. I was in love with the past.
There were many seeds of lies planted in my heart. I felt, unwanted, ugly, not worth the wait, invaluable, used, that I had been lied to and many other things. I knew I was in a deep, dark hole; getting out of it was way too far away, almost impossible. I had lost my passion, my joy. I turned into this angry and bitter person, I knew that was not me and I hated it that this is who I had turned into. I didn’t have a tangible person to talk to, the people who I trust were far away and, if I talked to them about what I felt, I thought I was being a pain in the ass…I had believed no one cared.
Once again, He did that thing He is really good at doing. It came to a point where He had to scream at me, that all of this time He was there. He wanted to heal my heart and make me new again. He wanted me to delight myself in Him and stop believing the lies that I had believed about myself. I finally gave in, I gave Him all. I decided to believe Him when He said He wanted me, that He thought I was very beautiful, and that I am worth waiting for, worth fighting for, worth loving…
I started trusting Him wholeheartedly. I am sure He is the only one that will NEVER fail me. He will always love me and look out for me, even when I reject Him. He is the only one worth living for. He would never leave you.
I still remember my past with pain, but, it is different now. Now I have peace, my heart is not set on the things of this world that only come and go. My trust is no longer in men; it is because of this that I am free. My heart’s biggest desire is to be with Him and to get to know Him. As an old hymn says: “It is well with my soul”
“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us… (V.3-5)
Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (V.7-8)
It has been a long 6 months. Probably the longest I have ever lived. Just to think about all the things that have been going on in my head, my body hurts. It was only my pain and myself, I felt so lonely…yet I was not alone. Nobody understood how my heart was feeling, how I would cry myself to sleep for so many nights. I shut down completely, my body was there but my mind was somewhere else. I didn’t want to go out, or be involved in any kind of activity. There was someone who understood, but I thought He did not care. Every single time I cried, He would cry with me, He felt my pain and He wanted to make it better for me. He wouldn’t do something for me unless I gave Him my heart completely and let Him change me. I knew all of this and I still wanted to keep my pain because it reminded me that the past was real. I was in love with the past.
There were many seeds of lies planted in my heart. I felt, unwanted, ugly, not worth the wait, invaluable, used, that I had been lied to and many other things. I knew I was in a deep, dark hole; getting out of it was way too far away, almost impossible. I had lost my passion, my joy. I turned into this angry and bitter person, I knew that was not me and I hated it that this is who I had turned into. I didn’t have a tangible person to talk to, the people who I trust were far away and, if I talked to them about what I felt, I thought I was being a pain in the ass…I had believed no one cared.
Once again, He did that thing He is really good at doing. It came to a point where He had to scream at me, that all of this time He was there. He wanted to heal my heart and make me new again. He wanted me to delight myself in Him and stop believing the lies that I had believed about myself. I finally gave in, I gave Him all. I decided to believe Him when He said He wanted me, that He thought I was very beautiful, and that I am worth waiting for, worth fighting for, worth loving…
I started trusting Him wholeheartedly. I am sure He is the only one that will NEVER fail me. He will always love me and look out for me, even when I reject Him. He is the only one worth living for. He would never leave you.
I still remember my past with pain, but, it is different now. Now I have peace, my heart is not set on the things of this world that only come and go. My trust is no longer in men; it is because of this that I am free. My heart’s biggest desire is to be with Him and to get to know Him. As an old hymn says: “It is well with my soul”
“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us… (V.3-5)
Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (V.7-8)
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