Öckerö, Sweden

Waking up is no big event in the day, really, although some days waking up is the most amazing thing that has happened. I'm talking about those days when you know you will do something amazing. You'll go to a concert, hike the highest mountains, you will travel to a new place, you will graduate and the list goes on and on about all the amazing possibilities that can happen on these special days. Because in reality most of the days we wake up with no expectations. Then you have those days when God has expectations for you in that day. 

Today was one of those days where God had expectations for me. I woke up just like any other day, but I felt something in my chest. It was a heaviness that I couldn't take away from me. In spite of this I went on with my day. After dinner we had a community meeting and today it was a worship night, no message, only worship. I hesitated about going, I have tons of homework to do and I'm behind. But one thing I've learnt recently is that I can't do homework unless I seek God, it's just not the same. I know worship is something that changes you and I still had this weight that became heavier and heavier. I knew I needed to seek him.

I sat down as we started praying in groups, the girls with me started singing their prayers. I sat there, nothing. I had nothing to express I just had worries. How will I finish paying for the school? How will I get a visa for the next place I'm going to? How do I deal with life? All these questions flooded my mind. I wanted to give this to God but I didn't know how to. The worship band started playing, as I looked at the floor, tears started falling down. I knew I had pushed God to the side. Once again I tried to be god of my own life and tried to fix my problems on my own. All these days I've been looking at a huge challenge, I need nearly 5,000 dollars. I just remember how hard it was for me to go to Sweden, I suffered a lot. Getting to Sweden has been one of the biggest challenges I've had in life, I cried, I was frustrated, I couldn't understand God's timing but I knew God wanted me to go to Sweden so I pressed on. At the end of that challenge I looked back and I was happy I persevered through it.

This new challenge I am facing looks the same as the challenge to get to Sweden. I told God I don't want to go through that horrible process again. 5,000 dollars! How will this happen? On top of that I need a constant support of 650 dollars a month! This is way too much! God, how do you expect me to work this out? But today in worship time I learned one of the most valuable lessons in life. Surrender. God broke me, I was broken. He broke my pride, my unbelief, and my unwillingness to let Him be God.

As worship was going on I kept on crying. Then I realized that I needed to surrender my thoughts to Him. This time it was different, I told God, "If my suffering will bring you glory then I will suffer, if it takes my suffering in order to have people know you then I will suffer. If my suffering will be an example of your glory then I will suffer." I wish I could explain how meaningful this moment was, but I have no words. This was the first time I told God that I will suffer because I love Him and I want everyone to know Him. I surrendered my right to live a life without suffering. I realized that there's nothing I can do to get 5,000 dollars or people to believe in my vision. That is not my weight to carry that is something that is only in God's hands. All I can do is be willing to do what he asks me to do, I can seek Him, I can worship Him, and I can love Him. This is all I can do; the rest is in his hands not mine.

This has been something we've been learning in the books of the New Testament. The gospel of Mark shows Jesus as the suffering servant. The first half of the book shows Jesus' power and authority. He healed the sick, he had authority over demons and he is the Son of God. But halfway through, the mood of the book changed. Jesus suffered. He suffered physically; he was misunderstood, rejected, and mocked. Jesus came as a servant. He didn't come as the king the Jews expected. He didn't come for riches or to gain respect from men but he came to serve, he came to suffer. Through this I learned that if we suffer, it doesn't mean God left us. If we suffer we know that we share our suffering with Christ. If the world is against our belief in Christ then we can rejoice because Jesus also suffered. He knows how it is to be rejected; he told us we would be rejected for his name. Suffering is part of our life with Christ, and I have learned today that we should embrace it. So whatever we are going through, we praise the Lord because it will bring glory to Him when He releases us from our suffering. If our suffering never ceases then we rejoice because we will be rewarded in heaven for persevering in Christ.

          Time goes by so quickly and things change without us even realizing they have at times. Life is a process of uncertain things that come. It's frightening yet exciting. One day you have no worries, the next day it seems like the world is falling over you. 

With God the most impossible things happen, you have to take risks, you persevere, your character is built up and you have hope. Wow, your character is built up! It's probably one of the hardest things to go through but in the end it's so worth it.

          I'm talking about those moments where there is nothing left for you to do but TRUST, have faith in Him. That moment when you have a problem, a situation, a circumstance, whatever you want to call it. You look at your life and you have this list of things that you need to do. On top of that you have a time limit; you need to manage your time well so that things can run smoothly. So you look back at all the things that need to get done and think how in the world will I manage to do this!? But you try to do it anyway. You start making schedules, organizing details, you find the words you think will work right to get you that job you want, you become the master of your own life. You got everything under control, everything is planned you just have to follow through. But then things don't work the way you wanted to. All these obstacles start coming and you start going through them. At first you make it through, but all this hard work starts taking a toll on you. You're tired, then you get angry at yourself, you take it on your family and those you love the most. So how is being the master of your own world working for you? You have made yourself tired and hurt those around you. 

Then you remember Him. He was always there. He promised to be with you through your trials but you pushed Him aside and became the master. He promised to take your problems, to lead you, to provide for you but that was not enough; you are the master, so you can take on those things. What now? You look back at Him. There He is looking at you deeply in the eyes. You look away you feel ashamed but his eyes show love, care, tenderness. Tears start falling down your face as he takes a step and embraces you. He holds you and his embrace tells you that everything will be alright. All your worries about life, money, plans, family fade away. You know everything will be alright. He takes the weight He promised to take and gives you rest that you can only find in His arms. He becomes God of your life again. 

This has been me in the past month. I tried. I thought I could manage to arrange what my life will look like after I'm done with the Bible School. He led me; I had the intentions of letting him do so completely. But then I took the lead. I started thinking that I could make things happen. I started taking a weight that was never mine, those things in my life I cannot control, money, visas, strength, peace, rest. I need all these things but I cannot obtain them on my own. My life is a life of faith, I don't get paid for my job, and I don't determine my future, God does. My life is not my own, I am not my own, I was bought at a price. I am now a slave to righteousness. Because of this I ought to live not in my own strength, not in my flesh, but I ought to live in the Spirit, under his leadership. This is freedom. This is the freedom I have found. Surrender, dying to myself that is what brings life. This is the truth I need to learn to walk in. 

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galatians 2:10

"And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." -Galatians 5:24

"But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."

- James 1:25

            One of the best things about the New Testament is that it convicts you; it challenges you to put away all the ideas you had about God and live in the truth that you can only find in His word. The book of James is definitively one of those books that challenges you. Through this book I have learnt that it's not about the talk but it's about actually walking the talk. James tells the Jews that they need to stop just talking about the word but start acting according to it. He goes as far as saying that if someone thinks they are religious but they don't control their tongue then their religion is worthless. (James 1:26) Worthless! Later on he says that true religion is to take care of the orphan and the widow. In other words he is saying that the way to express faith is not about how good we are about saying we are Christians, or posting on Facebook nice Bible verses but about showing that we believe. We show that we believe by following the main commandment to love God and to love others before yourself. 

           There are a few things that James talks about specifically in the book. I won't talk about them all because I think it would be good for you to read it yourself! It's only 5 chapters :) The first thing that stood out to me was about James' view on faith. He is challenging the Jews to ask for what they lack for in Faith. (James 1:2-18) He tells them that if they doubt then they shouldn't expect to receive what they ask for. This hit me so hard, knowing that I have asked for things without faith. This tells us that we shouldn't have a double standard. We shouldn't believe God does things sometimes. No. We should believe that if we ask with faith we will receive what we ask for be it wisdom, insight, strength, finances, hope, healing, freedom.
           One other thing that James highlights in the book is the Jew's mentality on money and things of the world. (James 2:1-13; 3:13-17; 4:1-17; 5:1-6) First of all he touches the issue of partiality. Many times people treat others according to the amount of money they have. "Oh, you are rich come sit in the best place we don't want you to get dirty, and you poor person you are used to sitting on the floor or close to the dirt maybe you can sit there right?" No. partiality is as much of a sin as murder and adultery are! We need to go back to the royal law "Love your neighbor as yourself". We need to look back at Jesus, he was there for the poor, the outcasts, the sinner. Let's not separate ourselves from the "sinners". Let's remember that we are also sinners.

"For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment"

- James 2:14

            James was also calling the Jews to submit themselves to the Lord. The Jews had let their own selfish ambitions take over their actions. They asked for things but they did not receive because they wanted it for their own passions. They desired what they did not have, so they coveted and did not  receive. Therefore they fought and had quarrels. We do the same things! We seek to have more money, we seek fame and acknowledgment according to the world. We get security from our financial situation. We have therefore we become proud. We seek to please people when we should be seeking to please God. We make plans about how we will go places and make more money here and there. Yet we don't even know if we will live tomorrow! We seek to have riches yet we forget that riches will rot, they are not everlasting. We need to stop having false happiness and repent. We need to acknowledge that we need to change our heart. We need to become selfless and give to those who need. We need to get out of our comfort zone and meet the poor, the orphan, the widow, the broken. We need to look at Jesus. 

           Ouch! That message hurt so much! As I read the book I was so convicted about my motivations and my actions. I asked myself, "Am I really seeking to help my neighbor? or is life all about me? I need to feel good, I need money, I need pleasure, I need comfort. Me, me me. Life has become all about me! But I have learned that there is more to life. In the moments when I do live seeing my neighbor higher than myself, I end up receiving. A selfless life is a life of freedom. 

           There is repentance available for us. We can pray in Faith that God will heal us from this sickness in our hearts. We can look for people with greater perspective and wisdom. He will open up our eyes so we may see our sin. So we may change our minds and know how to live selflessly, fully submitted to the Lord. 

"And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." 

- James 5:15-16

My prayer is that we can all live out this life that God has called us to. So we may become more like Him. 

So, as an application to the book of James we got to build a house for a family! Here are a few pictures: 

Putting up the walls!

I love working on the roof!

The team and the house after the first day! :)

The house the family used to live in. Now they will have more space for everyone!  

            I've been so excited to finally start studying the New Testament. I always saw it as an opportunity to breathe again, a ray of hope. What I was more excited about was to finally "meet" Jesus. I always imagined that moment when I would sit down to read the gospels and I would start crying just because He is so amazing. To my surprise, this is not what happened.

            I'm in a hard spot in my life. It feels like all my insecurities have decided to knock on my door again and I have opened it for them. I've been sad, I've felt lonely, I've felt rejected, I can go on and on with all the insecurities I have let in. "Meeting" Jesus did nothing to me. I loved his teachings and I wanted to believe everything that he said, except that I've let this problem take over me. I don't know how to express what has happened, it's a situation I never thought would happen to me. I've been living a soap opera. When I listen to myself share what happened I stop and re-think about what I just said. Did I really say that? Did that really happen? Wait, it did, it's real life. All this negativity has made me tired. I'm not a negative person, I am joyful, I see good where others just see that it's worthless. I've missed joyful me.

           The unexpected turn, the big twist in my story is one of the most basic things. It's funny how most of the times a simple thing is the answer. As I was studying the book of Acts, I rediscovered the most amazing being out there, the Holy Spirit. Hey, this is very exciting! For our homework we had to write an essay about who the Holy Spirit is and how the He truly works. (I can share this essay if you'd like). I rediscovered that He lives in me! He is God! I found out that He is my joy and my comfort. I don't have to hold on to challenges. I need to stop freaking out about the storm and just rest like Jesus did! I can now see how He has turned this soap opera I've been living into a huge step of freedom! I am walking in the light with my eyes closed. I know there is now way I can do this on my own and that is why the Holy Spirit is in me. He will do the things that I can't do, the things that I can't control. He will open up my eyes so I can see the light I am walking in, and know that it's good. This is the big and simple realization I had this past week. Simple but great.

           By no means I am saying that I got it all together now. But I am trying everyday to keep my hopes up and to cry out to the Holy Spirit for His comfort, peace and joy. It's not easy, I need to be reaffirmed in what I've learnt, but things are better now. I'm slowly starting to be myself again. My love and passion for the word of God is coming back! I wish I had more things to share about these two books for you, but God has had me on a different agenda. I can't wait until I share how studying the book of James has been like. I have loved it SO much.

           I also want to ask you to pray for me. There are so many things in my life that are challenging at the moment. One of them being accepting my call to sing and play worship. I've been struggling but God answered a prayer for me today. I've asked for someone who believes in me and in God's call for my life, who would teach me to play music. Today someone offered to teach me guitar and someone to teach me Piano! I've prayed for this for so long and I finally got someone to help me. Yay! :D Also, keep on praying for me in this situation I have been through, it can be hard at times and I really need support!

Thanks for your prayers!

             

Hey guys!


It's been a long time since I last wrote an update but here it goes:

CSBS (Chronological School of Biblical Studies)

CSBS has been one of the best decisions I have made in life! I can't believe I have been in this for 6 months! Time goes by so fast. In the past few months we studied the whole Old Testament. Before I studied the Old Testament, I had no idea what it was all about. All I knew were the few stories they tell you when you are a kid, oh and that God was an angry mean God in the Old Testament. But I cannot explain how different my perspective is now. It's amazing. Through the Old Testament I have learnt that God is such a loving God. I can say that now I understand why he loves and how he loves. One of the things that showed me this about him was how the people of Israel constantly failed him and he still was faithful, and he still loved them, he still gave them SO many chances to change. I look back at it and I know that God has done the same with me. This fills my heart with joy and rest. The LORD loves me, he loves YOU regardless of all the things you have done. I wish I could write all the things I have learnt in these past few months but I don't want to get you bored haha. If you want to know more please talk to me!
We are now going to start our last 3 months of the school and we will be studying the New Testament! We get to meet Jesus! I am really excited about it. I will try a new thing this quarter and I will write a little bit of the things that God shows me in each book of the New Testament! :)

Worship

There is one thing that God has highlighted in this last year a lot and that has been worship. I have known that he wants me to sing for him and to play guitar as well. This is why I did the school of worship last year; I wanted to know more about it. There was one thing that was wrong though, I never fully accepted that God really wanted me to become a musician so that I could lead worship. This happened because I could not accept that I have a nice voice. I had been more focused on how my voice sounds rather than if my heart was worshiping or not. I had even told a guy I met that I don't think my voice is meant for worship. (I meant the typical western worship) It wasn't until one night in a community meeting, in worship time something changed in me. God and I connected in a very strong way. He showed me the beauty of worship and how powerful and life changing it can be. I was singing with all my heart, and I figured that when I sang with all my heart I hit the right notes and it sounded beautiful. I believe that this is the Holy Spirit in me doing this. During the worship I told God that I want to accept this gift of singing he has given me. I declared that my voice is meant for worship, I do have a voice for worship. After I said this, everything changed. I was tired but he gave me strength. I am now ready to write songs and use my voice to sing worship to Him. WIN!

What's Next?

When you are in YWAM, everyone is eager to know what you will do next. Since we just came to the last quarter I am have officially started to pray and consider my next step. I would really love if you join me in prayer please! I have decided that my next step does involve being staff at a YWAM base for at least 2 years. There are four things that I am looking for in the next place I will be at. These are: 1. Opportunity to grow in worship. 2. Opportunity to teach the Bible. 3. I want to be able to do discipleship 4. Traveling, I want opportunities to do more traveling. These options with YWAM could fit into staffing the school of the Bible I am in or staffing the Discipleship Training school. So these are my options:




Mexico: The base offers an amazing program for those who want to be staff in the school of Biblical studies. If I stay as staff of this school I would learn to be more like a Bible scholar. This program would also allow me to do discipleship. I would also have some opportunities to participate in worship times on the base. However if I stay I wouldn't travel.







Sweden: Ever since I left Sweden I have missed it so much. If I go back to the base in Sweden I would have many options to work with. I could be staff of the School of Biblical Studies. I could work with the mobilization team, and possibly staff the mobile DTS. I could also be part of the school of worship and involved in worship times generally as well. This option would give me all the four things I look for. I am honestly leaning more towards this one, but I do want God's confirmation.




England: After I left Sweden last year, I had a spontaneous visit to the YWAM base close to London in Harpenden. When I was there I found out that like Sweden they also had a mobilization team! The mobilization team consists of traveling to local churches or even around the country to give teachings/preaching in youth groups. Plus they have an outreach ministry called "Just Go". In this base I could probably work with the DTS as well. I would also be able to grow in worship somehow. The only negative side here is that there wouldn't be any direct opportunities to work with the Bible school.

So those are my options and I shared a little bit of my thoughts on each. Please help me pray about my next step, I have so much to think about. But more than anything I want to be in a place where I will grow and be challenged to be closer to God. I want to be obedient. Thank you SO much for praying with me! I will let you know when I have my final answer.

Many times it's hard to realize that distractions are our biggest enemies. I don't know what was going on but it didn't matter how much I tried to sit down and work I could not manage to stop and study. Nothing about studying the book of Samuel sounded exciting to me, especially not the huge amount of homework we have. Seven PM, time to go back to homework came, I "started". My friend Jeremiah came into the room and said I bet you that she is doing everything but homework. I sat down "determined" to do homework, but what was the first thing I did? ...Facebook. Then Jeremiah told me the obvious solution, pray. He said "Pray so that God can take away your distractions." Why didn't I think about it before! So he and I prayed, I honestly thought God would gradually respond to my prayer, but he didn't! I focused on my homework immediately! 

        I honestly shouldn't be surprised about this, I have been learning about how God listens to our prayers, and he listens to those who seek him and love him. I started interpreting the first few chapters of Samuel. I am halfway through one of the interpretations because God has shown me something that has touched my heart so much and I just had to stop and think about it. I have been doing homework with God; we are discussing the chapters and what he is saying through the stories. He is telling me how he felt about certain situations that happened. These are real stories, they happened in real life! 

        So, this was the situation. The Israelites in the time of Samuel were slowly starting to understand who God was. They have been so influenced by the gods of the nations around them; their theology is completely off the lines. Their mayor enemies, the Philistines have come and attacked them. They killed many Israelites. The Israelites think that they have a solution. They think that if the priests bring the Ark of the Covenant (where God's presence was) then they will win the battle against the Philistines. The problem was that the priests at that time did not know God, and they were very corrupt. What happened to them? They got defeated by the Philistines, and not only that but they even stole the Ark of the Covenant! This is what I wrote:

(1 Samuel 4:1-11)

"Interpretation Question: Why didn't it work for the Israelites to bring the Ark to battle?

Interpretation: The reason why it didn't work was because it was not about having God’s presence in front of them, but it was about the situation of their hearts, and of the hearts of the priests who had the ark. The original readers could learn that it is the same for them, it is not about just the presence of the LORD being present but about the situation of their heart before the LORD, if they follow him then God will honor them in battles. What good was it for them to have God's presence if God was not pleased by their hearts? 

Timeless Truth: It is not just about having the presence of God but about your heart to God. " 

        This just hit me; we can think that if we face our problems with just the word of God then we will conquer those problems. We can recite verses and make people think that the presence of God is with us through that. But more important than just recited words or the longing of having his presence around us is that we are obedient. We cannot objectify God, he is not just an object that we carry around, and if we carry him our problems will be solved; He is God. He looks into our heart, and our intentions. Our focus should always be to know Him better, and if we know him better then we will obey and walk according to his will; He will be with us. If the Israelites had known how important it was for them to leave behind the idea that God is like other gods, and decided to really follow God then God would have helped them win the battle. It is the same with us, we cannot compare God to how people are, He is different. We cannot please God in the same way we please people. We cannot follow a certain formula so that God will help us go through our problems. The only thing we have to do is get to know him, talk to him, spend time with him, read the Bible to get to know him, but never do it on your own but do it with God. 

        This is the big revelation, it is a very basic and simple concept, but there is so much power in it. I love how everything in the Bible comes down to getting to know God so that we may love him and obey him. This is a little bit of the Bible school for you, I love it. I am getting to know God through His word. I am being transformed in the process, and my love for Him is growing more and more every day. I challenge you to sit down, read, discover who God is through the Bible. If you don't understand it, then it means that you need to study it! You won't regret it! 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Praise Report: I got the final 300 dollars I needed for this quarters tuition! I am allowed back in class! Now to continue raising support for the next quarter! My goal is $1050. 

Going through the stages of my life as a missionary, there has always been something consistent in my journey. There always seemed to be a barrier that I think keeps me from doing what I want, and that is money. It is the paper that seems to run our life. Our life usually revolves around how much money we are able to make. Unfortunately it is how we measure how worthy we are. 

However is our worth really on how much of this paper we own?

When I am taking a class with YWAM I find myself being part of the group of people that don't have money to pay for the class. Tears fall down my face whenever I am called up to the front to receive prayer because I don't have money. A sense of shame comes over me. I feel as if I am less than my other classmates who seem to have no problem to get money. Every single time I am there, God shows His power, He shows me that there is no piece of paper that will limit him. I have seen Him provide for all the money I need and He always gives me more than I ask for. 

Two days ago I was in the same spot again. As the class was praying for me tears came down my face. God was telling me, I am testing your heart. I want to see how faithful you are to me, how much do you really trust me. I was challenged to remember every time that God provided for everything I needed and trust that He was faithful before and how He is still faithful today. 

The point I want to get to is that there is nothing that limits God, not situations, not people’s lack of disposition and definitively not money. Many times we feel limited because of our background, because people around us don't support or agree with what we are doing. Then we feel limited by our circumstances and therefore we limit God's power. It becomes hard to believe that God would break the barrier of a hardened heart, or of money. Since people don't support us we make the mistake to think that maybe God is not in our side. We forget that God is not human; he is not limited by anything. Not even by our bad heart attitude. 

If there is something I have learned every time I am in need of something, is that God is faithful, that He cares to see me grow in trusting Him more and more every day. It is the same with you, no matter what you are going through, there is no depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, hopelessness, loneliness, there is nothing that will limit God from getting you out of what is troubling your heart and making you feel empty inside. Set your trust on Him, love Him and He will take care of all those things in your life that seem to be overtaking you. He is faithful and He will always be! 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013